Alone tonight

This is my first night sleeping by myself. I have no distractions. I haven’t got my sister to chat to before I fall asleep. I have no defences, and nothing to stop me from killing all my butterflies. I am praying to whatever is out there that I can hold on and not give in, because dear god do I want to.

I’ve been staying with my sister because she makes me sane. She saves me from my demons. She is a light in my darkness, and she’s been off on half term this week- one week of my personal light shining on me. We stayed side by side for the last three nights, and just knowing she was sleeping at my back made me calmer. I am so frightened of what will happen when my support goes tonight. She is so patient with me and gets me out of bed and doing things, makes me laugh and is untouched by my depression. Now she won’t be around, I’ll not have her constant support, and I won’t be able to get her to distract me. I will miss just lying there, laughing at her jokes, and then rolling our separate ways to sleep.

I fucking hope I can keep all my butterflies alive tonight. I really want to succeed, and I don’t think I will. Someone give me strength- I’m going to fucking need it.

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